I haven’t spoken to Jeanne in 13 years. Surprised? I am too, but I know my reasons. I just didn’t know Jeanne’s reasons.
I have been reading about adoptions extensively since I’ve started this blog, and I’ve discovered a few articles and studies that would explain why and how a birth mother feels. Whether she knows it or not. I don’t believe Jeanne realizes the implications of what happened to her almost 50 years ago.
It is interesting this information that I am reading, yet most of us haven’t even heard about. There are millions of adoptions, and nobody talks about what really happens to a woman (a girl, really) who has relinquished a child and what it does to them. Young women left to deal with the aftermath. How it carries on throughout their lives and the effect it has on their future relationships and their families. I’d like to understand it better and I’d like to hear other’s experiences.
My beautiful daughter Nicole was born in 1994. Jeanne and her husband came out for the christening. Nicole wore my christening gown, and it seemed everything had come full-circle. Except, Jeanne was very – uh – disassociated for lack of a better word. The one thing that stands out in my mind most is her lack of wanting to hold the baby, as you would expect a grandmother to want to do. Especially since she lived in Michigan and we live in Pennsylvania. Nicole’s godmother had a party at her house after the christening, and she had a ferret. Jeanne walked around the entire time holding that ferret and making a fuss about it. Really?
As time went on, Jeanne would call me – often. And she didn’t want to talk baby talk. She wanted to talk about Jeanne. Incessantly. I couldn’t get off the phone with her. Jeanne seemed to be undergoing a transformation of sorts. She had decided that to become highly educated was her answer. So that’s what she did. And that’s what she wanted to talk about. For hours. It didn’t matter if the baby was screaming in my arms. She seemed not to notice. I would practically have to hang up on her to just get off the phone. And Jeanne didn’t approve that I didn’t have the same drive as she did at the time. I was raising a baby and she just didn’t seem to “get it”.
I had hoped that even though we were clearly very different people, that she would be happy that we were reunited, and accept me as I was. That we could enjoy a friendship. But it didn’t work out that way.
So, I stopped answering the phone.
We haven’t talked since.
Oh my…..reading your blog is like you are telling MY story about my reunion with my birthmother, and ironically she (well we both) live in Michigan too!
My birthmother is so self-absorbed right now and I don’t think she even sees it.
I think to some extent I approached reunion with no expectations but when she was initially so responsive and loving, I allowed myself to bond with her, I believe, in an effort to restore my original feelings of loss.
And bond I did, that is……until she rejected me a second time.
I look forward to reading your posts and knowing that I am not alone in this journey as an adult adoptee in reunion 🙂
Hi there – and thanks for reading and commenting. I really hope to get a good dialog going here with people from all aspects of the adoption process. I am sorry to hear that you bonded with your birth mother and then she rejected you. Can I ask – are you female or male? Not that it matters, just curious. I’m interested in your feelings of loss that you mention too. I really can say that I never felt that way and it’s probably lucky for me that I didn’t. I was guarded but willing to take our relationship wherever it was going to go. I think I felt early on, that she wasn’t someone I could truly “warm up to”.
Did you feel you were “missing” something your whole life? Everyone is different – from one end of the spectrum to the other. I have a good adopted family, so I am sure that contributed to my not feeling I was missing something.
How about siblings for you? I’ve found much stronger feelings for my half-siblings than I had for either of my birth parents. I just feel truly sorry for my birth mother having to go through what she did, and no matter how she acts, I don’t actually blame her – I blame the situtation for turning her into something she probably has no control of.
I’m glad you’re enjoying my posts. You’re certainly now alone 🙂 And I think there are most likely many, many more like us out there. I think trying to understand the whole picture from all angles think it could help in understanding both ourselves and our birth mothers. I really believe that women (especially in years gone by) just were traumatized so greatly then ignored. How can they ever be “okay” without chasing their demons?
Chris
It is a very good point that it’s very difficult to find any research on how adoption affects mothers. My son was born in 1981 when it was far more acceptable for single mothers to raise their child but I may have been back in the BSE era with my parents attitude. I was expected to get on with my life and forget about my son. In reality I emotionally shut down, couldn’t trust anybody but got on with my life. When I found my son my emotions were unlocked so it was little wonder I was treated for depression a year later.
I think I was a bit of a disappointment to my son as I hadn’t married his father and hadn’t had other children although I had wanted more. Nor was I a ‘mumsy’ type mother. I love my son but I have so experience of raising a child so it was a learning curve for me to learn how to be a mother.
Hi Pip,
I was looking at the books on Amazon – and I found one of particular interest (I don’t recall the name of it but it was about birth mothers – I’m going to have to look it up again). This book seemed to describe in great detail how it was back in the 50’s-70’s when girls were “sent away”. It seemed to describe just what my birth mother told me happened to her.
I’ve been talking to my half-sibling (sister) on my birth mother’s side. I can totally see how a birth mother would “shut down”.. .. It would totally be a coping mechanism – what other choice did you have?
Pip – what’s the “BSE” era?
I feel so terrible for the young girls such as yourself who were so terribly traumatized and then expected to ‘get on with your life”. I have a 16 year old daughter now, and I can’t even imagine how a mother could send her child “away” to have a baby. I guess it was the thing to do back in the day. Great huh.
I doubt you were a disappointment to your son. Every, single relationship is different. I hope your son had a “good” adoptive family with a mothering type mother. As an adoptee, and an adult, I believe that we should just accept who we are, hope for the best, and not infuse our own “expectations” into the equation. How can you have expectations of a stranger? Even if she is the woman who gave birth to you? I think that both adoptees, and birth mothers who “expect” the other to be or act a certain way, are setting themselves up, needlessly to disappointment. As long as he knows you love him – that’s what’s important. 🙂
Chris
Hi Chris,
I found your blog through the Circle of Moms Adoption Blogs. I am an adoptee and have also had a reunion with both my birth parents. I have read a few of your posts (and am looking forward to digging in further). Our stories are so similar. I have blogged a bit about my reunion experiences at http://www.theyreallmyown.blogspot.com (but they are all mixed in with other posts). Anyway…wanted to say hello and tell you that it is great to find your blog. I enjoy the way you write about your experience.
Alison
Hi Alison!
Thanks so much for stopping by! I checked out your blog – (and subscribed) – it is wonderful! You have such a beautiful family!
I will be checking out your blog more thoroughly as well. I loved your story about your boys on the beach. Kids are so impressed when they find out their friends are adopted lol
I think it’s wonderful for a person who was adopted to adopt. You can really relate to your boys and will be the perfect person to “guide” them. I think a good mother does that anyway. It seems we both had good moms raise us, and we are lucky for that!
Chris
Pip, I think the book Chris may have been thinking about is called “The Girls that Went Away”. I have read it and it is about birth mothers and the timeframe of the 50’s and 60’s. It was very helpful for me as it helped give me perspective of what my birth mother likely experienced (although she lived at home with her parents while pregnant with me but was “hidden” away there from the public eye) by being a single pregnant young woman from a strict Christian family.
Chris:
You asked if I was male or female…..I am female. My ability to bond with my birth mother upon our reunion may have also had to do with the fact that my adoptive mother was dying (at the time of my reunion with my birth mother) of cancer. I lost her only a year after I reunited with my birth mother 😦
I don’t remember feeling like I was “missing something” as I was growing up. My adoptive parents were very loving (my adoptive father still is). I do remember feeling curious about my birth family from time to time though and my adoptive parents always told me they would help me search if I ever decided I wanted to. I never really did though until……I was pregnant with my first child. Then I felt like I HAD to try to find at least my birth mother. I had all of these intense feelings about my baby I was carrying and it made me think that much more about my birth mother and how difficult the pregnancy and relinquishment must have been for her.
Fast forward to today (20 years since our reunion) and I am glad that I met her but currently my relationship with her causes me more pain than joy. If she would have rejected me right away from the first contact…..I think I would have dealt with that a lot easier.
Our relationship was like the “honeymoon period” I read of other adoptees experiences. We spent a lot of time together and the desire to do so was mutual. About 2-3 years after our reunion, she met a man (she was single when we reunited) and got married pretty quickly after. Since then our relationship has been in a pretty consistant decline both in terms of time spent together and quality. She tells me that I will just have to adjust to this new person in her life, which I think I do/I have but she thinks I am resentful toward him (I actually think he is a really nice person and I don’t resent him at all). From my perspective, it seems like she can only “invest” herself in one person at a time and right now it is him……hense my feelings of a second rejection.
Not sure how this will turn out. I am in therapy to work through my feelings which I am confident will be helpful.
Thanks for sharing your journey. It sure helps to read of other adoptees experiences.
By the way, I referenced your blog in my own blog post about adoption blogs!
Alison
What a really interesting blog and the responses too are equally interesting. We each have similar and yet different stories to tell. Adoption is a vastly complex arena and there is no one size fits all so reading others experiences is a really interesting thing for me.
I’ve done several national newspaper and Radio articles in the UK about my own experiences and I attach the clip here from BBC Radio 4. Scroll to about 24 mins to listen
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b010k2f2
Also I’ve just set up a new adoptee forum and chat room specifically for adult adoptees to share their thoughts and you are welcome to join. x
http://www.TheMeInside.com
Hi Jo,
I am finding the responses interesting as well. I hope people continue to stop by and post their thoughts. I will be listening to your radio clip. Thanks for leaving it! And, I’ve joined your forum. It’s nicely set up –
Thank you!
Chris
I just met my bio mom this past week and am very intrigued by your description here of how things have played out over the years. Thanks for being so candid with your feelings. Although I would describe things so far as very good, I am sure it is an evolving process and that those deeper feeling will surface (or, worse, be shoved down). I have been blogging about the build-up to this meeting (adoptee4life.com) and I am fascinated by others’ shared stories.
Thanks for the honesty,
Carol
Hi Carol! Thanks for reading. I am so enjoying hearing from others involved with adoption. I felt very well adjusted with being adopted, have a great family and a good life. Now that I’m writing this blog, I think it is causing feelings to surface that I didn’t know were there. Maybe that’s the purpose of my writing. Life is a journey!
Chris
Chris, I just found you blog tonight and have been enjoying getting to know your story better as I read it. Thank you so much for sharing your life and your experiences in the years since you and your first family found each other again.
If you are interested, there is a great blog managed by two mothers from the EMS (“Era of Mass Surrenders”), AKA the BSE (“Baby Scoop Era”). You can find it at http://www.firstmotherforum.com/ Lorraine and Jane have some very interesting and helpful insights for adoptees who are trying to understand what it was like for young woman like your own first mother.
A bit of full disclosure: I am a first mother who relinquished in 1992 when I was 19 years old. While it single parenting was much more widely accepted than during the time period you were born, I lived in a very religious and insular community that to this day is stuck in the 1950’s in regards to single mothers.
Thanks again for putting your voice out there to share with the rest of us –
M.
Hi M. – and thanks so much for stopping by and your kind words!
I will certainly check out the link! Thanks for directing me to it. And also, I am loving your blog. I just want to sit one day real soon, and read everything!
Chris
In case no one answered your question – BSE = Baby Scoop Era
Hi Chris! As promised, I am reading more of your entries and enjoying each and every one… thank you for sharing these experiences in the beautiful way that you do!!!
I must say, though I feel for you about your relationship with Jeanne taking a turn for the worse/a trip downhill/ what you will, I was not really surprised at her reaction to your being pregnant and when she first saw you with your baby girl in the christening gown. I think, whether she realized it or not, it was too painful to connect to you as the new mother to your newborn baby girl… it was too much like when she had you… After all, if I am remembering correctly, she gave birth to you, kept you for 2-3 months, had you christened, and most likely bonded with you rather deeply… but then had to relinquish you, for she and her mother decided she simply could not keep you… So, you see, she bonded with you, then you were gone…. and i am sure she was deeply saddened by that, don’t you think? I cannot even imagine what that feels like! I would venture to say that she Chose not to connect to you while you were pregnant as well as at the christening because it was “easier”.. for Her. I would almost bet that, subconsciously, she knew that if she opened up to you, and bonded with you over the “whole baby thing” , it would bring back feelings from when she was pregnant with you and when she gave birth to you and then had you christened. I am not saying that what she said or did, or how she acted or what have you..that any of that was “justified”, for it is not. She, as your baby’s grandmother, should have been there for You, and for your little one! MAybe it was all “just too much” for her to handle the right way, so…she handled it “her way”. Does any of this make sense? I feel like i am talking in circles, but there are some points I think i made! LOL Hope it “helps”…..
I will keep reading now….
Take Care,
Ellie ❤
Ellie – you know – you have a perspective here that I hadn’t thought of. That’s why these blogs we are writing and talking to other adoptees and birth mothers is so helpful. I find myself trying to look at everyone’s perspective – especially the birth mothers. I know what it feels like to be an adoptee, obviously. I always felt compassion and sadness for birth mothers, especially after experiencing motherhood myself. I think trying to understand the birth mother’s experiences is helpful to adoptees – When I meet an adoptee online who is particularly troubled or angry, I try to point them in the direction of looking at ALL angles. There are so many components to an adoption triad. I think if someone is angry, understanding what a birth mother experienced or may have felt is somehow helpful in releasing their own anger. I’ve always been thankful for my parents, and I didn’t experience that anger and abandonment feeling that many adoptees talk about. I can’t blame my birth mother for her actions or reactions really. I do believe that these young mothers of the adoption era were indelibly scarred. Some of them realize it, some of them don’t (or can’t).
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment – you’re very insightful! xo
Chris
I am really enjoying your blog, and have also managed to find some more blogs to follow too. You have inspired me to write my own blog, but my story is only just starting.
I feel sad that Jeanne shut herself off from you when you were pregnant, but I agree with Ellie, maybe it was too painful for her and full of reminders of what she gave up.
Your story seemed to be going smoothly and I thought “Oh I hope mine goes that way” then this happens, to show it’s not all plain sailing. I have no idea what to expect, and haven’t even approached my adoptive parents about it yet, even though I’ve managed to find out who my BM is and where she lives.
I am off now to read your next chapter.
Hi Lisa –
Things don’t always go smoothly – that’s for sure 🙂 – I try to give Jeanne the benefit of the doubt, but she has her ways. For instance, she said she started a college fund for my daughter when she was born. Well, my daughter is now a senior, and I never heard another word from Jeanne about that. If there’s a problem with me – okay, I can deal. But she IS the grandmother of my daughter. A shame really.
Chris
Lisa – I look forward to hearing your story and following your journey! 🙂
Chris