I haven’t talked to Jeanne in 13 years. Life went on. Nicole is 16 now, and I have a wonderful husband and life. Yet – I’ve felt something missing, and I’ve never attributed it to being adopted. Being adopted was just something I was – like being female, or being funny.
Writing this blog has seemed to open things up for me that I’ve never considered. It’s made me think more about the circumstances surrounding my being and it’s making me realize that all might not be as it seems. Maybe there’s something to the “primal” theory – that a person is irrevocably changed when removed from their mother. That a mother is irrevocably changed when forced to give up their child.
Being a mother myself, I cannot begin to imagine how my life would have been ripped apart if my daughter was taken from me at birth. How could a person ever recover from that?
Women – especially women “back then” – didn’t even get to talk to anyone about their pregnancy – they were shamed and sent into hiding. Who could they talk to about their feelings? My birth mother, like many – was “sent away” – as a young girl – to experience pregnancy on her own, and forced to “behave” by not even crying. They went through one of life’s most changing experiences – alone, and then were expected to just go home and get on with living.
There is a book called “The Girls Who Went Away – The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children in the Decades Before Roe vs Wade”. I intend to read it.
I believe now that something that happened to you at birth, of which of course you have no memory of, can have effects of which you won’t understand – unless you try to understand – if that makes sense.
I have been having conversations with my sister – Jeanne’s daughter, which has made me realize that Jeanne never recovered from her experience as a young woman. I don’t think Jeanne realizes it herself. I will talk about these conversations with my sister in another post.
Maybe, in trying to understand Jeanne – I am trying to understand myself.
I hope you do get around to reading The Girls Who Went Away. I wasn’t sent away but apart from that I could have been any of those girls and the parents were just like the ones in the book. When I read the book I cried as it helped me to feel normal and that there were other mothers who knew exactly what I had been through because they had been through it.
Hi Pip,
I can’t wait to read it. I read your story on your site, and it was so very sad. You tried so hard, and everything was working against you. I also watched the video on your page. I give you all the credit for talking about it so openly – I am sure your story will – and has helped many. You’re such a warm, wonderful person! Thank you for stopping by and commenting 🙂
Chris
I cannot imagine experiencing childbirth alone and at an age where I am still being reared myself. Nor can I imagine all of that work, pain, an emotional distress ending at which point I am told to shake it off and get back in the game like a missed shot or a fouled play (wait did I just use a sports analogy). My heart goes out to the girls who became women and were forced back to being girls as a mother, a daughter, an adoptee…thank you for your voice.
Hi Palmer (I LOVE your name – it sounds like a movie star! 🙂 )
I love your blog and your tweets as well – you’re really talented and perceptive!
I’m glad we got to meet (well not in person, but on here 🙂 )
Chris
Meeting my mother has revealed numerous thoughts and feelings that I did not realize I had and I am sure would have never been revealed to me had we not met and developed a relationship. Now that I am aware of them I realize that they were always there. I just either did not acknowledge them and/or assign them any significance.
I was pretty skeptical about reading Primal Wound, but I was curious as to what the author had to say. The first time through. I was like, no that’s not me, that wasn’t my situation, that’s not like my relationship was with my a-mom. Then after a few days things started occurring to me. I would go back and re read sections and things started falling into place. Suddenly many things that I had been discussing in counseling sessions and had never been able to understand were becoming clear to me. Like pieces of a puzzle scattered, suddenly came together to form a picture.
One of the most significant things revealed to me through reunion was that a face that has been in my minds eye for ever since I can remember. Is the face of my mother. I remember when I was around preschool age, I associated that face with God. I didn’t realize it the moment we met. Probably about a month in to our reunion. Suddenly she would get an expression on her face that I “just knew” although I had no explanation for it. Eventually it dawned on me that it was the face that I had pictured in my mind.I never saw her. She never held me although she did walk down to the nursery to look at me.
That is an amazing story. And it’s funny how something so long ago could come back to you. I feel like there’s “something” in the back of my mind as well – I just am not sure yet what it is.
Your description about puzzle pieces is very accurate in my instance as well. That’s just how I feel. I do look forward to reading Primal Wound – I wish I could get it on my Kindle! But I do think I may have scored a copy at my local bookstore – waiting to hear back from them!
Thanks for reading – and thank you so much for your comments
Chris
Chris….isn’t it odd how issues of our adoptions creep up on us from time to time. I find that there are periods of time where I don’t think about it much at all and then it sneeks up on me and becomes almost all I think about for awhile.
I have tried working on figuring out what the triggers are that get me back to struggling with my adoption. I know that the last trigger (the one I am still deep in) was late in March on my son’s 16th birthday weekend. My birth mother had called my son and made arrangments with HIM to pick him up and take him to lunch without ever consulting or informing me. He, being the teenage boy that he is, forgot to tell me of these plans so she showed up on my doorstep one afternoon to take her grandson out to lunch for his birthday. That was all it took to begin my spiral of anger, resentment, and feelings of lack of control of my own life to spin my emotions about my adoption and reunion out of control again.
I am starting to feel so emotionally drained from all of this….sometimes I wonder if the pain ever entirely goes away 😦
Hi – and thanks for posting 🙂
It is odd how it can creep up on you. I honestly never thought about feelings that could arise from being adopted – I was just adopted, and that was that. I have good parents, a nice life. So- what’s the problem? And why do you (I) feel recurring periods of feeling something is wrong? This experience right now of writing, and hearing from others and my reading of articles on the internet, is making me feel like something is happening. Maybe I can put all the pieces together, and from there move on. I’m just thinking how can someone recover from something that they may have not ever have known is there? I plan on reading “The Primal Wound” – at the time I discovered this book, I thought it seemed a bit “dramatic” and thought it probably didn’t apply to me. Now I’m wondering. So, I’m going to read it, with an open mind, and maybe it will lead me to more pieces of my puzzle. Every story is different, but there are also many, many comonalities.
I think you’re in the same kind of boat – you’ve commented here, and you’re looking into discovering why you’re feeling how you’re feeling. It’s going to be a good thing one day. You’ll see 🙂 I do believe this is true.
If you’d like to chat further, but don’t want to go into details here, you can certainly email me at christined570@yahoo.com or friend me on facebook (Chris Tansits).
Chris
Things WERE very different years ago–I have a friend whose sister-in-law was sent away like that in the 1960s. Even when I was in high school in the early ’80s it was still considered a “shame” to be a single mom. I am so glad you are taking this new step in your life, Chris!
Hi Sandra, Thanks stopping by 🙂 .. There’s a few books out there I’m looking forward to reading on this subject – and a few blogs as some of the other posters here have mentioned.
Chris
Hi Chris, I think it is very typical for the birth mother not to grasp the full effect the relinquishment experience had on them. I’m also feeling like it’s typical for adoptees not to grasp the impact that separating from mom had on their life outlook – and CONTINUES to have. I would never in a million years have attributed my ‘quirks’ and traits to being adopted. Between me and my sister we embody practically every trait described in The Primal Wound. Thanks for continuing to share your journey! Carol
Hi Carol – sorry it took me so long to respond! I haven’t been “in the mood” to write too much lately – (see today’s post). I still haven’t read the Primal Wound, but one of these days I’ll get to it. I think I was just trying to work my way through this latest “reunion” and it was topmost in my mind. As you can see, things have cooled, and life goes on.. 🙂
Chris
Really appreciate your honesty and sharing your story.
Kelly
Thank you Kelly 🙂
Chris