I will be turning fifty on September 15th. Age hasn’t bothered me much, – okay – fifty is a bit hard to swallow! I remember 25 being difficult too for some reason – 30 no problem and 40 was okay as well.
This year, I was secretly (well maybe not so secretly lol) hoping that somehow we could do something which would be “surprising” – something fun and different. I realized that probably wouldn’t happen unless I just did it on my own, but that would defeat the “surprise” factor. I just felt I wanted a “surprise”. I can’t explain why.
I have found through the years though and looking back, that there is a pattern with me when it comes to my birthdays. Usually around the very end of August or the beginning of September, I start feeling “off” – sort of down, and blah. It increases as my birth date approaches. I’ve always thought it must be because this time of year marks the end of Summer, and before you know it, it’s Winter which I don’t particularly care for. But since blogging about my adoption, and thinking more about things, I’m considering there may be another reason.
Could it be because I’m adopted?
I recently started reading “The Primal Wound” – which is a book about “understanding the adopted child”. It seems to be a very polarizing book within the adoption community – many adoptees do not think it has ANYTHING to do with them – and, many think it has EVERYTHING to do with them. I think I fall somewhere in between. In a nutshell, for those of you who don’t know about the book – the theory is – that being separated from your mother at birth is so traumatic, that you are “primally wounded” – whether you know it or not. It is an interesting theory.
As a mother, I cannot imagine the horror of losing your child. As an adoptee though, how would I remember how I felt when I was an infant? I do believe that there would have to be some sort of damage done to a child who was separated from their mother and put into an institution for a few months before being adopted. I just never really thought about it before. But – what if? What if being adopted has shaped my life in ways I have never realized? It is certainly something to consider and look at.
There is a sub-chapter which covers birthdays and birthday parties. The book claims that “there seems to be a memory built into the psyche and cells, an anniversary reaction (often also felt by the birth mother), which sends many adoptees into despair around their birthdays.” Wow. Okay – well this is something new to consider isn’t it.
So, surprise or no surprise – I have a wonderful family for which I am grateful for. This year, the “feeling” seemed to be building up, but thankfully it has abated somewhat, and possibly, I am coming closer to understanding why I feel the way I do, and in understanding, there may be peace.
And, that – is a gift.
Hey – maybe I surprised myself… 🙂